to convert or not...

anybody try out the beta version of blogger...?

just wonderin' the advantages...if any...

anywho...

i gave it a whirl, but don't know if i should convert...

http://deadlee1.blogspot.com/

all our resonations

i've attempted this several times now. nothing to show for the tries so far. i've always had a time tryin' to conquer the vast white that covers the posting page in which i type this message.

things are well. dw rolls on, entertaining to some, ministering to others & giving purpose to all. we live for this.

the anxiety pre-show always kills, but never ceases to be slaughtered by the exhilaration of the live event. manchester spoke deep into my soul tonite. my only wish is that more would stop to listen.

all our resonations reverberate in like kind when we all stop long enough to put ear to the root. i know that i know that i know that there is a definite reason for this. it's not the unlikely happenstance of a mother nature left to her own devices, nor the circumstantial happenings of a very unnatural selection. it's the purposeful handiwork of a father's love that explodes our existence regardless of the fact that we may never stop long enough to uncover our ears to hear the bang.

beckoning...

3 hrs out from takin' the kids to see superman returns & i find myself unable to sleep, even tho i'm in smack in the middle of my rotation of working graveyard & have only managed a couple of hrs sleep since i got off this am...

no matter...

my head swims & it almost feels as if i don't get this out, the ol' gray matter will cease to tread water & drown...

i love supe'...

i mean, who doesn't & what's not to love...

right...?

well, for as much as he stands as such a strong x-type, i'd like to propose a more enigmatic character that has completely captured my admiration...

gump...

it played nite 'fore last & as usual i couldn't turn away...

it was @ the part where jeni resurfaces in forrest's life in order to be saved, cared for & to provide a redemptive future of sorts for little forrest...

in the past this part always pissed me off...

i mean...

really...

you're just getting played gump!!!!

can't you see...?

she's just a no good whore that only runs to you when she wants or needs something...

get w/it man...

or so i thought...

as i watched the scene this nite...

i no longer see forrest or jeni, but jesus & myself...

i sit on the park bench & ask to be a part of his life, the only thing that can save me, as i realize that all my shenanigans have run their course & will be the certain end of me...

w/out batting an eye, he accepts me in all my whoredom & invites me back to greenbow, where he'll care for me for the rest of my days...

i don't deserve it or him, but he doesn't seem to be bothered by that fact in the least...

he dresses me in white, even tho that's a color i don't deserve to wear & loves me w/out question, condition or limit...

he continues to love & tells me so even after my flesh finally buries me...

he even weeps...

for me...

my life makes a mockery of his acceptance & unconditionality...

still he loves...

his meekness is always mistaken for weakness...

big mistake...

after all my running i'm totally captured...

his innocence floods my soul & runs out my eyes...

this maybe supe's day in the spotlight...

but, to me he's just a tree in a mighty forrest...

1 that's always been there...

beckoning us to return...

home...

maranatha

post #333...

half way to anti-christ...

irony...my new best friend...

i'm in a pretty weird place right now. i haven't posted as regularly as i used to, 'cause i'm not really sure if my words would do justice to the experiences. i'm game to give it a shot now, if you feel like reading along.

daily i trip along the hallways of my new church. funny thing is, is that it doesn't look like any of my old churches of which i've always been a very dedicated & vibrant part of, nor does it look like any other church that i've had the pleasure of reading or hearing about & thinking how cool, hip &/or relevant it appeared. this new place is amazing & decrepit all @ once.

the pews are spacious, w/room enough to assume the fetal position, which isn't all that uncommon for the parishioners here. they are the wildly untamed, w/a passion that burns w/such fervency that it often seems to totally consume. you'll find the salt of the earth here & the light as well if you linger long enough.

all are rough around the edges here, yet are as real as any you'll find. genuiness is the golden standard here & anything else is simply not acceptable. pretenses as well as all other barriers come tumbling down as realness leads to rightness, cause all have come to realize that those things only act to encapsulate us in cells of solitary confinement of which we were never intended for.

i make my way down the aisle, allowing my palm to bounce off the pew tops when i stop to talk to an old friend. he knows me better than most & has come for solace rather than the advice that he claims to be seeking. i humor his story & this game of posturing that we play instead of getting right down to the heart of the matter.

'i'm thinkin' of buyin' a strip club...'

i'm thinkin', do i really need to respond here...? i hold my words as well as my judgment for the time being as the tale unfolds. i give him space to realize the answer that he seeks doesn't come from me, but becomes readily recognizable from somewhere w/in his own being.

'i don't think that i need to pray about this...'

why not i respond...shouldn't we pray about everything? in my attempts to be coy, i think that i gave my friend the answer that he knew, but wasn't looking for. or maybe the answer was seeking him out all the while & it was only a matter of time before it found him.

very frank discussion not only takes place here...it's encouraged as necessity. it takes some hammerin' to crumble traditional myth & folks here aren't shy of the anvil. we're all beautifully broken here, wonderfully wounded often @ the expense of our own hands wielded in ignorance.

scars aren't anything to be ashamed of. in fact, the sharing of them often provides inclusion's fertile ground from which tales of redemption & healing blossom. when in bloom, the aroma here is unreal.

i've never known w/more certainty the realities that await in the unseen. i've never made a more cognizant effort to enjoy the now & anticipate forever. temporal has never been more diminished by current perspective.

i'm constantly finding myself in places & situations that certainly would be maranatha to my old church going ideology. this new church is ever expanding & gaining ground in my life in ways that i'm not sure i can completely explain. the wonder of it all is that i don't have to.

gone t-ballin'

the summer's booked...

we play 3 tournaments in june & are headed for the world series in july...

needless to say, between practices, fundraisers & work they're ain't much time for anything else...

perhaps i'll pull a lazareth after july...

we'll see...

2 quotes...

recently i came across a quote that i really like...

not so sure that it's true, but it just may be...

what do you think...?

the only sin is not to love & the only evil is not to care...


albert camus

or how bout this 1...?

we can absolutely believe in absolute truth yet never know it absolutely...


mee

woeful or wonderful...?

existence...

condition...

2 pretty tame & innocuous words held altogether separate from what becomes a markedly hefty qualifier such as when the word human becomes the precursor to both. some days i see the shell as 1/2 empty @ best & wonder what it's gonna take to bring value to either, while others possess all the hope that the light of day can carry. all too often i'm left wishing to hold the middle ground & all the safety that being found somewhere in betwixt can bring.

i held lani the other day & could feel it...

as the outside world ceased to exist for us, i sat & wondered if there were anyway that i could preserve the limitless potential & innocence that she now contains. the wrong-headed but well intended thought flooded my soul that if i could but limit her experiential existence, that is to be her life, i could preserve her condition of the now. her condition of the now is eternally pure & as visible to me as the brokenness that marks my own life some 34 yrs her senior.

just as suredly as the leaf-bladed ceiling fan circulated the den air in & around us, the rhythm of life is to take it's toll on my beautiful babe. her innocence is breathed out continually, with no hopes of it's containment, leaving me to despair momentarily over the condition we all face. the best we can hope for is to leave lasting indelible marks of beauty amongst the mired ugliness after we're long forgotten.

all along the way we lose, find & become so absorbed w/ourselves i'm afraid that we miss too much. i pine & waste time longing for a perfection that never comes this side, while a world passes by. i also become the cynical critic that tears down, rather than builds up.

i mourn the things that never are, curse the darkness & fail to realize my own illuminescent abilities given me w/purpose. i forget too easily what i should know for certain & all to often look to add to the mayhem rather than be a portal for peace. i'd rather acquiesce than assert when i know that i shouldn't & often take sick pleasures in hating myself for it later.

i'm a living contradiction striving to become comfortable in my own skin. if this isn't a reality for me, i only pray that i can fake it well enough for my kids to become what i could not. seeing eternity reflected in the eyes of innocence has a way of reflecting your own short-comings.

human...

existence...

condition...

woeful or wonderful...

i often feel like i'm just treading the frigid waters of the atlantic, long after the titanic has headed south, just trying to scrap together enough floatables to make the night. how the hell can i be of any use to anybody when i'm really struggling to keep my own head above water? i focus on the waves, taste the salt on my lips & realize that my time is fleeting.